5. Tech Slogans


shirt pic

Don’t Anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.

I void warranties

I read your email

Linux isn’t magic. It’s sudo-science.

Kids: Don’t try this at ~

Code poet

Byte Me

I see dead pixels

cd /pub; more beer

No, I will not fix your computer

There is no place like

There is no place like ::1

Bow before me for I am root

Dilbert is NOT fiction

It must be user error

/* No Comment */

Killer Coding Ninja Monkeys

I came. I saw. I copied. Thank you Stack Overflow.


LOAD “*”,8,1


Blogito, Ergo Sum (I Blog, therefore I am)

I adore my C64

Talk nerdy to me

My Amiga is my Amigo

My other shirt is clever

Jesus saves. Buddha does incremental backups.

I don’t flip tables when programming, I DROP them


Machine language will rise again

Typos. That’s just how I role.

My other computer is your Windows box

HTTP 200 jokes are OK

Uranus is a gas giant

I’m not lying. I’m writing fiction with my mouth.

The first US state that any foreign developer should visit is Maine.

My goal as a software engineer is to retire without getting blamed for a major catastrophe.

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

I want to be a nice person, but everyone is just so stupid

Pi day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math

Nerds have big disks

I love programming so much that I’ve become codependent

When I see a door with a push sign, I pull first to avoid conflicts

20% of North American bandwidth is used by Netflix. The rest is used by Windows updates.


What do I do? I’m here to transport large quantities of caffeine from the coffee machine to the urinal.

Sex, drugs and sausage rolls

Give me coffee to change the things I can change, and heavy metal to accept the things I can’t

No FAT32 Chicks!

Go away or I will replace you with a very small shell script

Come to the dark side. We have cookies.

If you hold a UNIX shell up to your ear, you can hear the C

Optimistic front-end developers should be called stack half-full developers

Software and cathedrals are much the same thing - first we build them, then we pray

SELECT * FROM users WHERE clue > 0 (back of shirt says “0 records returned”)

Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain

The larger the download button, the less safe it is

Apparently, common sense isn’t all that common

I am not a geek! I am a Level 12 Paladin.

To quote Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 3, Line 87: “No.”

Gravity brings me down

/BB|[^B]{2}/ (Shakespeare’s “to be or not to be” as a Regular Expression)

It’s only takes me 2.5 hours of wasting time on the internet to do five minutes of work

chown -R us ./base (All your base are belong to us …. in Linux form)

In the time you took to read this, a CPU exploit has been discovered

I’m a Full Stack Overflow developer

A geek wonders what sex is like in space. A nerd simply wonders what sex is like.

I’m not an athlete. I’m a mathlete.

If Arnold Schwarzenegger went into IT instead of acting, I bet his catch phrase would’ve been: “Uninstall Vista, baby”

Procrastination can write 30min of code in 8 hours and 8 hours of code in 30min

My love life is like an iPhone. I don’t have an iPhone.

A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s awful.

The PC term for Christmas is C:\hristmas

Copying code from StackOverflow = $0. Knowing what code to copy from StackOverflow = $100K/year.

A romantic dinner would be incomplete without an email about a critical production bug

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

The best thing about a boolean is that if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit

Your ringtone sucks

for(int intuitive=0; intuitive<2; intuitive++). It’s a little counter intuitive, I know.

I didn’t install antivirus on my laptop because I don’t want it to get autism

According to my co-worker’s diary, I have boundary issues

I refuse to have a battle of the wits with an unarmed person

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

The first step in solving any problem is to dramatically underestimate its difficulty

Luke, come to the Dark Side. We have better IDE themes.

If you are vegan and use Arch, what do you tell people first?

If you look between the Y and I keys on your keyboard, there’s something awesome

You can lead a programmer to a solution, but you can’t make them implement it

When in doubt, //it out

It is easy to shoot your foot off with git, but also easy to revert to a previous foot and merge it with your current leg

The greatest honour I can bestow upon a piece of software is pinning it to my taskbar

Any job can be a dream job if you fall asleep at work

I would tell you a joke about programming, but it only works on my machine

I’m so old, I can remember going through an entire day without taking a picture of something

The only dates I get are updates

First rule of technology: buzzwords ≠ effort

Software engineering is 5% coding, 40% debugging, 15% coffee breaks, 30% Googling stuff, 10% staring with your colleagues at a screen

I store all of my Dad jokes in a SQL dadabase

Real Programmers Don’t Document - If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a 2-minute guitar solo

Math illiteracy affects 8 out of every 5 people

You’ve got to build bypasses…

I’m part of the problem

Developers will spend $300+ on a mechanical keyboard that makes a specific sound and then use it with $400+ noise cancelling headphones

Fun fact: It’s faster to say “world wide web” than “www”

May the --force be with you

I Recycle. I wore this shirt yesterday.

Rickrolling has taught us to be wary of random links more than any Cybersecurity PSA ever has

Go big or go ::1

Just don’t create a file called -rf

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I’m blogging this

Whenever someone is feeling down, I always tell them to update their Microsoft Office software to improve their Outlook


sudo think

$HOME is where the .bashrc is

Russian hackers usually store their exploits in /ussr/bin/

I saw a great movie about databases today. I can’t wait for the SQL.

I don’t trust Matlab developers. They’re always plotting something.

Big Data is anything that will crash Excel

Just sudo it.

I haven’t taken a vacation in a while. I need a .

It looks like you have those Bluetooth Blues


Mac the planet!

You read my t-shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day.

People like you are the reason people like me are on medication

Sturegeon’s Law: Ninety percent of everything is crap

Pasocon Otaku (Personal Computer Geek)


I went outside once. The graphics are not that good.

Roses are red
Errors are bad
My system doesn't boot
Because I've deleted /etc/fstab

Spellcheck can’t fix stupid

Just fucking Google it

Have you tried switching it off and on again?

I have not lost my mind - It’s backed up on disk somewhere

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code

If it wasn’t for physics and law enforcement, I would be unstoppable!

* * * * * /bin/true 5 star cron job. Would definitely run again!

It’s not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger

Trust me, when I woke up today I had no plans to be awesome. But shit happens.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine stream

Duct tape is like The Force - it has a light side and a dark side, and holds the universe together

We need to talk about your TPS reports

A girlfriend is no substitute for video games

I’m not babbling, it’s just encrypted…

If I got smart with you, how would you know?

Never judge a book by its movie


There are no emoticons to express how I feel right now

I hacked a Gibson

You had me at EHLO

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Git reset --hard
When Ctrl+z won't do

Just shut up and reboot already

You either plan to retire as a manager or live long enough to see yourself becoming a grey bearded Windows-dismissing UNIX guy

333 (Only half evil)

I’m not Goth, I’m Sith

I’m with /dev/null –>

n00bs are people too

Software developers are code-blooded animals

There is no place like ~

I don’t get distracted… I go on side quests

iLove Apple

I beat Tetris

Shit Creek survivor

People dislike JavaScript developers who over React

Pasta + antipasta =

NFTs make excellent gifts - after all, they’re GIF certificates

Textually Active

I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Dave

I’m not a pirate. I’m a 21st Century Che liberating files from the capitalist overlords!

Do these protons make my mass look big?

Android is just Linux in drag


I love poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick

Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer

I may have no life, but at least I can prove it mathematically

If I got smart with you, how would you know?

Spanish programmers prefer to code in Sí++

Being a programmer and watching someone “hack” in a movie is like being a nurse and watching someone draw blood with a carrot

At work, my nickname is “the computer” - not because I’m efficient, but because I go to sleep if unattended for 15 minutes

Life is really just a series of if-then-else statements

I was uncool before uncool was cool

N00Bs are people too

Code is like love. It is created with clear intentions, but it can get complicated.

Declare variables, not war

I failed the Turing Test

SELECT finger FROM hand WHERE id=3

nanotechnology is huge

Only YOU can stop Global Warming. Which is good, because I really have no time right now.

I’m only here because my server is down

I have the body of a God. Too bad its Buddha.

It works on my machine

Only two things are infinite: The Universe, and the 40-day trial of Winrar

WWSD (What Would Spock Do?)

If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear

E Pluribus Modem

Home is where you hang your @

Obey alien orders

3 of the 4 voices in my head think I’m crazy

I am the terror that surfs the night

If you die in VR, you die in real life

I’m OK if Plan A fails. There are 25 more letters left.

I’m one null pointer exception away from losing it right now

Code like the best, browse like the rest

Steal a man’s wallet, and he will be poor for a week. Teach him how to build gaming PCs, and he will be poor his entire lifetime.

007 is really dumb permissions to have on a spy

Humans are still the most advanced computer (and the only ones that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour)

Ubuntu is an ancient African word that means “I can’t configure Debian”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Unexpected '}' on line 32. 

I find your faith in technology amusing

My hard drive crashed and the NSA won’t give me the backup they have of it

Google told me you suck

Dr. Evil stole my mojo

:w saves!

Cisco interface still down? No shut, Sherlock.

I don’t always test my code, but when I do, I do it in production

UNIX creationists believe that the world was created on January 1st, 1970 and as prophesied, will end on January 19th, 2038

To visualize how the Internet works, imagine that you are a computer. The sewer system is the Internet. When you sit on a toilette, you are connecting your butthole to a whole network of buttholes across the whole city. It’s a big ass network.

I have OCD and ADD. Everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.

stop(); //HammerTime

I legally can’t lift that. I’m in the Fitness Protection Program.

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness

Programmer. n. An organism that turns caffeine into software.

Did you know? Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V and Ctrl-Z have saved more lives than Batman.

I’m sorry. It was your Sharona the whole time.

My computer has crashed, and now all my other computers have slowed down to see what’s happening

HTTP 413 Error: Request entity too large

Keep your friends close, and your charger closer

// life motto 
if (sad() === true) { 

Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

I’m not antisocial. I’m just not user friendly.

Question: What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? Answer: HDMI

Humans are to me as software updates are to an iPhone battery

I always enjoy asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. Mainly because I’m still looking for ideas.

Like Scarlet O’Hara, Linux depends on the kindness of strangers for its development

Newton’s Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

So what if my girlfriend’s last name is Jpeg?

Children are our future…..unless we stop them now!

while [ true ]
  sleep $RANDOM

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them

Top 10 reasons to procrastinate: 1.

If you have nothing to do, do it on Facebook

Technically, it isn’t hoarding if your stuff is cool

Retro video games can’t be won. They just get harder and harder until you die. Just like real life.

My software never has bugs - it just develops random features

UTSL (Use the source, Luke)

My computer is so slow, it Hz

Stop trying to domesticate me


Sorry if I seem off today - I’ve got a terrible case of netlag

Once you’ve read the dictionary, every other book is just a remix

[Hit any user to continue]

My social worker says I’m special

To truly find yourself, all you need to do is play hide-and-seek alone

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action

A Haiku for getting up for work:

No no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no

Tell Marie Kondo that the reason I have so many old SUN computers in my basement is because they all SPARC joy

 - Y: Yelling
   - A: At
   - M: My
   - L: Laptop

Parents: Introduce your kids to Arch Linux and they’ll never have time to buy drugs

Home is where the external monitor is

Girlfriend said “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings”, so I got her nothing. Sometimes being a programmer sucks.

Linux distributions are just zodiac signs for nerds

Kid: Can I have a cookie?
Me: What's the magic word?
Kid: sudo
Me: Very good, here you go.

“Sup losers” is a gender neutral way to address a group of people

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up three thousand times the disk space

Thinking of leaving the Apple ecosystem? May Jobs have mercy on your soul…

After the massive success of Untitled Project, I’m dropping Untitled Project 2

Ctrl+Alt+Deli (sandwich shop)

Never :q!

I don’t drink caffeine to wake up. I wake up to drink caffeine.

If I was Voldemort I would have hidden a horcrux in HP’s documentation

The problem with git jokes is everyone has their own version

E=MC Hammer

Still debating whether I should use my coffee for good or evil today

To delete all French language files from your system: rm -fr /

Googling diseases just tells you which ones have the best SEO

I’m so old,I remember when “Computer” was a class…

I prefer multicast jokes. I tell it once, and everyone listening gets it.

It’s not a data breach, it’s a surprise backup

RHEL stands for “Real Housewives of Enterprise Linux”

If your significant other says that they need more space, just order them a larger SSD

I’ve decided I no longer believe in the existence of cybersecurity

SELECT SUM(wood_qty)
FROM wood_chuck
WHERE chuck = TRUE;

If regular expressions are so good why aren’t they called remarkable expressions?

If robots were to replace programmers, clients would need to accurately describe what they want. We are safe…

If you’re ever locked out of your system because of cryptolocker malware, start talking to it, calmly and clearly. After all, good communication is key in all situations.

Cyberpunk in 1984: Jack into the matrix, have an affair with a sexy AI, and hack with the best deck cowboys to stick it to the megacorps. Cyberpunk in 2021: Update my phone apps using McDonald’s wifi, then leave without buying any of their food.

I’ve got so many servers in my basement that I get emails asking about my cloud pricing models

If you don’t want to take a meeting on Microsoft Teams, just tell the other person that you’re not available because you’re playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen

  1. Make plan
  2. ?????
  3. Profit

Good employees are hard to find. That’s why I immediately hide once I get to work.

I’m “still afraid to use spaces in file names” years old

Laptop stickers are how geeks tell other geeks what gang they’re in

An SEO expert walked into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka

git commit -m “felt cute, might revert later”

But first, I should warn you that I’m an expert in the ancient Japanese art of sudo

Before the Internet, pirates used pier-to-pier networking

If you’re feeling down, just remember that you’re closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos