I feel someone needs to start a house-call backup business where someone could pull up to your home (or business) in a car that has a big NAS box in the back, and then perform off-site backups across Ethernet for a fee. They could call it NASCAR.
If I was Voldemort I would have hidden a horcrux in HP’s documentation.
NFTs make excellent gifts. After all, they’re GIF certificates.
The first US state that any foreign developer should visit is Maine.
The goal of any software engineer is to retire without getting blamed for a major catastrophe.
When you see a door with a push sign, you should always pull first to avoid conflicts.
What do I do? I transport large quantities of caffeine from the coffee machine to the urinal.
Give me coffee to change the things I can change, and heavy metal to accept the things I can’t.
Optimistic front-end developers should be called stack half-full developers.
Software and cathedrals are much the same thing. First we build them, then we pray.
Rickrolling has taught us to be wary of random links more than any Cybersecurity PSA ever has.
It’s only takes me 2.5 hours of wasting time on the internet to do five minutes of work.
A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer, 0 beers, 99999999999 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and a AS#33FfDf3@#$. The QA engineer is satisfied and leaves the bar. First customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.
Perhaps the most evil thing I’ve ever done was that time I Photoshopped Waldo out of a Where’s Waldo pic and sent it to my co-workers.
My love life is like an iPhone. I don’t have an iPhone.
If Arnold Schwarzenegger went into IT instead of acting, I bet his catch phrase would’ve been: “Uninstall Vista, baby”
Procrastination can write 30min of code in 8 hours and 8 hours of code in 30min.
A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s awful.
I know of a startup that is currently making a thought-activated air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.
Copying code from StackOverflow = $0. Knowing what code to copy from StackOverflow = $100K/year.
The best thing about a boolean is that if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.
Back in 2019, people used to laugh at my puns in the office all the time. But my puns have failed to garnish the same reactions this past year on Microsoft Teams meetings. That must mean that my puns aren’t remotely funny.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
If regular expressions are so good why aren’t they called remarkable expressions?
If you are vegan and use Arch, what do you tell people first?
Being a tech nerd, casual chit chat is not my thing. But sometimes it can be fun. For example, at a holiday get-together, I convinced some of the seniors that BDSM stands for Burgers, Drinks and Salsa Music. They are now planning on having a BDSM party for friends and family in the summer.
If you look between the Y and I keys on your keyboard, there’s something awesome.
You can lead a programmer to a solution, but you can’t make them implement it.
When in doubt, //it out.
It is easy to shoot your foot off with git, but also easy to revert to a previous foot and merge it with your current leg
The greatest honour I can bestow upon a piece of software is pinning it to my taskbar.
I would tell you a joke about programming, but it only works on my machine.
I’m so old, I can remember going through an entire day without taking a picture of something.
Software engineering is 5% coding, 40% debugging, 15% coffee breaks, 30% Googling stuff, 10% staring with your colleagues at a screen.
Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a 2-minute guitar solo.
Look at them hackers,
that’s the way you do it
A used Thinkpad runnin’ BSD
They ain’t playin’
that’s the way you do it
Software for nothing
and the code is free
—a parody of “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits
Developers will spend $300+ on a mechanical keyboard that makes a specific sound and then use it with $400+ noise cancelling headphones, just because.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Whenever someone is feeling down, I always tell them to update their Microsoft Office software. That should certainly improve their Outlook.
Russian hackers usually store their exploits in /ussr/bin/ on Linux systems.
I can honestly say that I’ve never taken credit for rebooting the wrong server. We have interns to take credit for that.
I saw a great movie about databases today. I can’t wait for the SQL.
I don’t trust Matlab developers. They’re always plotting something.
You either plan to retire as a manager or live long enough to see yourself becoming a grey bearded Windows-dismissing UNIX guy.
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
Being a programmer and watching someone “hack” in a movie is like being a nurse and watching someone draw blood with a carrot.
At work, my nickname is “the computer” - not because I’m efficient, but because I go to sleep if unattended for 15 minutes.
Every corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly-motivated person.
The CDC recommends that even if you are fully vaxxed, you still avoid attending meetings that could have been an email.
Only YOU can stop global warming. Which is good, because I really have no time right now.
Code is like love. It is created with clear intentions, but it can get complicated.
Humans are still the most advanced computer. And the only ones that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.
Steal a man’s wallet, and he will be poor for a week. Teach him how to build gaming PCs, and he will be poor his entire lifetime.
UNIX creationists believe that the world was created on January 1st, 1970 and as prophesied, will end on January 19th, 2038.
To visualize how the Internet works, imagine that you are a computer. The sewer system is the Internet. When you sit on a toilette, you are connecting your butthole to a whole network of buttholes across the whole city. Essentially, it’s a big ass network.
Question: What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? Answer: HDMI.
I always enjoy asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. Mainly because I’m still looking for ideas.
Parents: Introduce your kids to Arch Linux and they’ll never have time to buy drugs.
Girlfriend said “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings”, so I got her nothing. Sometimes being a programmer sucks.
Kid: Can I have a cookie?
Me: What's the magic word?
Me: Very good, here you go.
After the massive success of
Untitled Project, I’m dropping
Untitled Project 2.
I should buy that old diner down the road and open a sandwich shop called Ctrl+Alt+Deli.
I prefer multicast jokes. I tell it once, and everyone listening gets it.
If your significant other says that they need more space, just order them a larger SSD.
If robots were to replace programmers, clients would need to accurately describe what they want. We are safe.
If you’re ever locked out of your system because of cryptolocker malware, start talking to it, calmly and clearly. After all, good communication is key in all situations.
Cyberpunk in 1984: Jack into the matrix, have an affair with a sexy AI, and hack with the best deck cowboys to stick it to the megacorps. Cyberpunk in 2021: Update my phone apps using McDonald’s wifi, then leave without buying any of their food.
I’ve got so many servers in my basement that I get emails asking about my cloud pricing models.
If you don’t want to take a meeting on Microsoft Teams, just tell the other person that you’re not available because you’re playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen.
Good employees are hard to find. That’s why I immediately hide once I get to work.
I’m “still afraid to use spaces in file names” years old.
If you’re feeling down, just remember that you’re closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos.
An SEO expert walked into a bar, pub, liquor store, brewery, alcohol, beer, whiskey, vodka.
Question: What is the predominant spiritual practice of IT Support professionals? Answer: Rebuddhism
Check out this amazing NFT of the Klingon Bird of Prey that I just bought:
If you run the “love”, “happiness” or “peace” commands in a UNIX or Linux shell, you’ll get a command not found error. But if you run the “kill” command, you’ll get an error asking you to specify what to kill. And that tells you everything you need to know about UNIX and Linux.
Nothing is more annoying than the fact that when you go to Chicago, the signs aren’t in Chicago font, and when you go to San Francisco, the signs aren’t in San Francisco font.
Pro tip: Instead of saying that you took down prod on Christmas Eve, you can instead say that “we’ve successfully implemented our first chaos engineering exercise during a time of peak system activity.”
While most people enjoy puns, they can irritate some people. For those people, they inflict punitive damage.
Question: Which computer sings the best? Answer: A Dell.
My biggest regret in life is that I rocked on down to Electric Avenue. But I never took it higher. And it haunts me.
Fun fact: They used it call it “crastinate” until I did it.
We nicknamed one of our co-workers “the computer”. Not because he is efficient, but because he goes to sleep if unattended for 15 min.
Difference between designers and programmers:
- Designer1: We had the same idea!
- Designer2: No…you stole my work!
- Programmer1: I stole your code.
- Programmer2: It’s not mine.
Best Wireless LAN names:
- Get off my LAN
- The LAN Before Time
- The Promised LAN
- This LAN Is My LAN This LAN is Your LAN
- LAN of Milk and Honey
- New England Clam Router
- Nacho Wifi
- No More Mister Wifi
- Wham Bam Thank You LAN
- I Believe Wi Can Fi
- That’s what she SSID