10 years of Facebook humour



While most of my posts are pictures (funny pictures, persona pictures, memes, etc.), I’ve also got lots of funny text posts. I got a chuckle out of reading them again, so I thought I’d share them here for others to enjoy!

Here they are, sorted from newest to oldest:

If you want to rapidly get through a crowded area, just carry a clipboard and try to make eye contact with people. People will give you space….fast ;-)

Jeff: Our new IT guy moved here from Australia. Me: Oh, really? Jeff: Yeah, he comes from a LAN down under.

Went out and picked up some fried chicken. Thought it’d be the most appropriate food to eat while watching the US election ;-)

Turned back the regular clocks 1 hour this morning. My two binary clocks? Just had to turn them back a bit ;-)

Cooking a Thanksgiving dinner is more about organizational skills than anything else. I’ve optimized the list of tasks and subtasks so that everything is done at exactly the same time with an offset of 15 seconds for each one to allow for easy transfer. This is why you need to have Microsoft Project loaded somewhere in your kitchen people!

Tonight’s WWITPRO was pretty neat - it was a sort of like a wine tasting party, but instead of wine, we passed around a ton of laptop models that Dell provided. “This one has a nice carbon fibre texture and build quality, and the feint smell of a 6th gen i7” ;-)

I asked Siri, “Surely it isn’t going to rain tomorrow?” And she replied, “Yes it will, and don’t call me Shirley.” Turns out I left Airplane mode on….

I should open a bar that serves nothing but alcoholic apple cider drinks, and has free Wi-Fi. I could call it “Ciderspace” ;-)

Every time I buy coffee grinds, they always make a big deal about the coffee being “ethically sourced” - I should open my own coffee company, where all of the coffee is “un-ethically sourced” - I could call it “Bad Ass Coffee” and make a fortune :D

Today, I showed someone (not saying who) a job ad for a “Senior Mobile Developer” position. Their reaction was “I’d love to apply for that job, but I’m not a senior.” It took them a few seconds after my very obvious WTF expression to see what they misunderstood. I’ve never seen anyone turn that many shades of red before :D

OMG…..I couldn’t take a pic of it because I was on the road, but I just saw the same model of car we had growing up pimped out on Hwy 24: a 1984 Plymouth Voyager minivan with a custom “fire” paintjob, intake vents and slim alloy wheels - and the seats inside were redone with red velvet. I’m so glad I wasn’t drinking coffee or pop when I saw this or it’d be out my nose :D

Deciding on a restaurant to go to for dinner is harder than nailing a jello to a tree…..suggestions anyone?

Imagine going back in time and describing what a selfie is to someone in the 80s……

The US and Britain are in a competition to see who can mess themselves up the most. Currently Britain is in the lead, but the US has a Trump card up their sleeve….;-)

My grass is now 100% yellow and maintenance-free!

Still at Hospital…. today is not a good day. I decided to go horseback riding - something I haven’t done in forever. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slow, but then we went a little faster, and before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn’t take the pace and fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn’t stop - it just kept going around and around in a circle. Thank goodness the store manager at Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the machine.

The quickest way to turn a t-shirt into a fuzzy winter sweater is to wrestle with my dog for 5 minutes…..

I live right behind a big park with a pro running track. Right now there are probably 50+ high schools competing there today, and their rest/water tents are set up all along the shaded areas amongst the trees right behind my back fence (about 6 feet from my picnic table). And in this heat, everyone looks tired. I just picked up some fresh KFC, and Pepper and I are eating it outside at my picnic table right now……slowly. About 4 tents down, I heard someone say “Oh god, is that KFC?!? It’s driving me nuts!”…..hahaha :D

It was such a beautiful day out today, I did something I haven’t done for years… I played a round of golf. Sure, it was Wii golf……but still…..

There was an email I had to respond to that I just couldn’t word properly. After having a coffee, I worded it effortlessly and perfectly. Coffee works people!

I’m pleasantly surprised that there is a place in Harlem, NYC called “Harlem Shake” that serves burger and shakes ;-)

The new ordering kiosks at McDonalds are pretty cool. Firstly, they don’t mess up your order……secondly, you can totally customize everything - so I investigated, and found that it lets you order up to 10 patties on a Big Mac!

HTTP 200 jokes are OK……

Was digging through the middle compartment in the car and pulled out a zipper case full of music CDs……from way back when we didn’t listen to the songs on our phone via Bluetooth in our cars. Popped one in the CD player and listened one heck of an odd assortment of awesome tunes…….it was sort of like “car archaeology” :D

Am I the only one who thinks Kathleen Wynne looks like Humpty Dumpty from Digital Underground?

Yup……like that great song “American Frisbee” by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young ;-)

I’ve never heard so many David Bowie songs on the radio - it’s like every radio station is playing them all day long……if Justin Bieber dies, I’m not turning on the radio at all.

Whoever put the “b” in the word “subtle” was a clever bastard.

I just bought myself a ton of new socks tonight. In retrospect, it’s probably the best gift I could give my dog for Christmas ;-)

I just used the phrase “Cheer up dude….it’s Whopper Wednesday!”, and it worked as expected ;-)

What happens in Vegas doesn’t happen to me…..

Not to brag, but I can almost always tell if they’re using fake dinosaurs in a movie.

I bet the YMCA dance is way harder to do in Japanese….

If you’re at an Apple store during a robbery, you’re technically an iWitness…..

I’m going to become incredibly rich once I invent a dog whistle that makes the sound of a cheese wrapper…..

Walk into A&W for breakfast, immediately get greeted by the Saturday regulars, the cashier already has my order rung in and says “You’re late this morning.” I feel like Norm from “Cheers” ;-)

There is a point in every man’s life where you find yourself standing outside a pizza parlour at 1:00am with 2 other guys unloading 4 arcade machines from a pickup truck ;-)

I thought I understood the I before E grammar rule until eight weird feisty foreign neighbours in beige tried to get me involved in a heist…..

I wonder if I have a hoarding problem with collecting episodes of that show “Hoarders”?

At the drive thru…. Cashier: “Is it for here or to go?” Me: “For here - I’m just going to eat it in my car in the drive-thru lane.”

There is a special place in Hell for people that call you back after you accidentally butt dial them.

I’m so lazy with my spelling that I take pride when Google doesn’t even recognize or attempt a guess at what the hell I’m trying to look up.

Feeling bored & wicked? Go to a crowded mall & find a great parking spot. Then just sit in your car with the reverse lights on.

Awesome Sysadmin Day dinner at Chen’s with a slew of Linux admins from the KW area……had a great time! Every dinner conversation should include a discussion of awk, KDE and Python ;-)

I saw this advertisement in a window that said: ìTelevision, 1$, volume stuck on full.î I thought to myself, I cant turn that down.?

$5 burrito day people……make sure you stop by Home Depot and pick up a plunger and some air fresheners on the way back….;-)

If I owned a Zoup franchise, I’d totally recreate the soup Nazi episode from Seinfeld…..“No zoup for you!”

Useless fact of the day “In the late 1990s, Microsoft secretly developed it’s own distribution of Linux, but shelved it after quality control researchers deemed it “too stable” ;-)

I no longer refer to it as “checking my email” at work. I now call it “catching up on my soaps”…..

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - it’s absolutely hilarious.

Never put Mentos in beer!

Here’s a joke for all the mind readers out there:

I find it mildly amusing that the phone number for the Apple Store in Waterloo (519-772-5150) contains the model number of the first PC (the IBM 5150) ;-)

Why do Java developers wear glasses? ….Because they can’t C#

So many of my neighbours barbecued today, and it smelled so good. Next time I pick up KFC or Smokin Tony’s, I’m going to drive real slow around the neighbourhood with my windows down. That’s right….payback is a bitch…..

I asked someone about their time in prison. They said “I have mixed feelings. On one hand

I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I’ve ever seen. I don’t know. It has its prose and cons.”

It’s funny how vinyl records are making a comeback (albeit with a small group of people). Perhaps in 10 years, CDs will also make a retro comeback…..after all, they’re just small records….but read with frickin’ lasers!

I just finished designing a website for an orphanageÖ There isn’t a home page ;-)

It’s always Taco night somewhere…..

Some people say “Home is where you hang your hat” while others say “Home is where you can dance to the fridge naked while listening to Uptown Funk and playing air keytar”……

Three things freak me out: 1. Spiders 2. Clowns 3. People who buy software Actually, 2 and 3 are the same…..

Saturday morning boot procedure: 1. Locate /boot/diner-with-bacon-eggs-and-strong-coffee.bin, 2. Execute in first available memory address space, 3. Start all other processes normally.

Did you hear what the kid with no hands got for his birthday? Neither did we; we’re still waiting for him to open it…

I should open an Irish pub called “Bobby McFerrin’s” - it’d be a place where you don’t have to worry…you can just be happy ;-)

So I finish putting groceries in my car and get in, and someone walks behind my car, yells “Oh my god!” then runs up to my window and asks if he can take a picture of my UNIXGURU license plate for Twitter. Of course I said yes ;-)

Sex, drugs and sausage rolls.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only considered a romantic story because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer or shack somewhere in the woods, it would be more like an episode of “Criminal Minds.”

Am I the only one who thought that Penn & Teller learned everything they know from RUN DMC?

If Citizen Kane took place in the twenty-first century, Orson Wells would be sighing, Mario instead of Rosebud.

I figure that the Seahawks have a 50/50 chance of winning the Super Bowl on Sunday….

Thought I saw a rainbow this morning……but it turned out that they were just filming a Skittles commercial down the road….

What do those people who make the emotional music for drama movies do when they retire? They make commercials for Michigan….

Patted down my shirt & pants pockets looking for keys. Realized I just performed 2/3 of the Macarena Dance.

If I were an elementary school teacher, I’d take the class on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory…..and then give them a pop quiz ;-)

If someone takes too long to order at the drive-thru, a trap door should open that drops their car into a pit of fire.

Sir Mix-A-Lot is probably one of the most trustworthy people in the world. He cannot lie …and he’s been knighted!

If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome….

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse… I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

I’ve always had the urge to buy an old briefcase from Value Village, then walk up to a stranger on the street, hand it to them and say, “You know what to do.” Then quickly disappear from sight…..

Hipsters can hear a hacky sack like a dog can hear a dog whistle.

I like to wear shorts around the house in the winter. But I ripped my shorts yesterday and had to sew them back up. Yup, that’s right, britches love stitches.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say “he’s in a better place now.”

I just made my first Christmas purchase of the year two days ago. Let’s talk procrastination. Later.

I’ve now reached the age where just the other day is any time from 3 days to 25 years ago…..

If Holiday shopping gets you down, just go to Zehrs, buy some fabric softener, and ask the cashier for a gift receipt ;-)

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

If you want to have some fun, sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?” ;-)

You never really realize how strong you are, until you get a snack stuck in a vending machine….

Less Popular Christmas Carols:

  • The 12 Baes Of Christmas
  • The Nutkicker Suite
  • Do You Smell What I Smell?
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Bill Cosby

A thief stole a calendar and got 12 months…..

Cell phones are starting to look more and more like wrapped Pop-Tarts. It’s sage advice to keep one handy in your pocket if you need to pretend you’re on the phone…..

The Internet was sooo much cooler years ago. Whatever happened to using the expression “surfing the Information Superhighway”?

It’s probably harder to steal candy from an American baby than kids from other countries.

Winter seems so much more enjoyable after watching the movie Fargo……;-)

At hipster sushi restaurants, the waiters serve a lot of eyerolls…..

FACT: statements are taken much more seriously when you put the word “fact” in front of them.

If I were a physician, I’d purposely prescribe an odd number of pills for people with OCD……;-)

My dog just came up to me and asked to pick up some Chinese food for dinner. So I guess I’m picking up Chinese food for dinner……

So, Edgar Allen Poe is the coach of the Ravens, right?

The only thing that I search for on Bing is Google ;-)

Maybe I’ll get a tattoo in Courier New that says GaramondÖ…that would be totally badass…..

All of Santa’s Reindeer sound like stripper names, except Rudolph.

Anyone have the desire to buy a velvet Elvis wall hanging? Yeah, neither do I….

“The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is stuck in my head. I’m just a whim away from singing it, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…

If you get mad at your goth roommate, bleach all of their clothes white.

Whoever put the exclamation point right next to the question mark on the keyboard has made me look like a psycho many times.

Does the world really need another rhetorical question?

OK - I live in a quiet neighbourhood with lots of old people. So naturally, a lot of bible thumpers come around to the doors. And my “No Soliciting” sign on my side door window doesn’t seem to deter them. So, I put one of these “I stand with Israel” signs in my side door window…..now I watch them walk up to my door, and then double back as if my house was an Ebola quarantine……that’s one way of turning an ultra-annoying situation into a humorous giggle ;-)

I don’t care what they say. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

Someone posted Forrest Gump’s password on the Internet…..it’s 1forrest1

The reason why people pause and stare are you when you yell STOP! is because they don’t know if it’s in the name of love, it’s hammertime, or if they should collaborate and listen…..be specific people!

An accurate fortune cookie would tell you not to take advice printed on paper stuffed inside Chinese take-out items…..

Don’t send texts when you’re angry. Wait a bit. Have a few drinks. Get drunk & THEN send it. I should be a life coach…..

Just got back from the Tim Hortons in Hespeler and as we were driving through we noticed a bunch of low riders (half of them Acuras) that were really well done up, with the owners grouped together showing off parts of their cars. As we got closer, I noticed that not one of the owners appeared to be less than 60 years old ;-)

Does anyone know where they store the “Whoomp”? Never mind, there it is……

Spoiler alert: this milk went bad last week.

If you hold an empty bottle of blue Gatorade up to your ear, you can hear a beach volleyball game going on.

Judging by the commercials, the most common side effect of Viagra is Sail boating…..

\m/ (ASCII Rocker)

Always pay attention to the detales…..

I wake up every morning by screaming, “What year is it!?” just in case.

The Nazis burned a lot of books back in the 1930s, which was considered very bad to most people back then. Today, thousands of people burn eBooks to DVDs as backup, which is considered horrific to large corporations in the U.S…….

It’s frustrating that you can’t truly express how much you dislike exclamation points in a sentence without being a hypocrite.

Don’t beat yourself up for not using your treadmill a lot. You still burn 20 calories when you move it out of the way to lie down and watch TV……

I have to write an Autobiography? Sigh…story of my life.

Ran out of body wash - had to use dog shampoo instead. Hopefully my skin isn’t ruff in the morning……

I’m somewhat surprised that no one in Kitchener has opened a pub with the name/slogan: “Wunderbar: Where Oktoberfest happens all year round!”

After several days of failed attempts and modifications and tweaks, I just finished successfully compiling all of the libraries, components and binaries needed for the latest version of Firefox on IRIX 6.5 on my SGI Fuel. And it’s running fast and stable!

Judging by my powers, I think I may have been bitten by a radioactive sloth.

Tore the tags right off my mattress. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

I just heard the best description of what it’s like to ride a public bus: it’s like a mental institution on wheels…..

I almost picked up another arcade machine tonight. I think I may be addicted to arcade games……may have to join AA (Arcades Anonymous).

I don’t mind being “left to my own devices”…as long as I have a charger and an outlet.

OK - apparently, it’s also considered rude to say “Nice phone!” when someone shows you a picture of their baby on their Galaxy S5. What is it with Mondays?!? People……

The 4 food groups for most programmers: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk.

I think I should invent a new high definition video standard that gives high pixel density along a whole wall. Great for people with no attention span that want to watch several shows simultaneously. I think I’ll call it 80HD.

I bet if I had an orange vest and a traffic cone I could just dig wherever I wanted without being questioned.

While in line at A&W, I end up listening in on this conversation at the table behind me: “I am totally going to ace this interview. I wore my lucky sweatpants!” Yeah…..you go girl….

This documentary says Neanderthals are our ancestors, but anyone who’s watched me eat knows that…..

Awesome Family Guy quote: “Sorry kids, Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves TV…..and in all fairness, TV came first.”

Be positive but test negative.

I just convinced some naive person that “twerking” referred to tweeting while at work…..;-)

Well, I just had my first sighting of Halloween decorations at the mall. And with Halloween approaching, I’m curious what slutty nurses will dress up as this year…..

Apparently, when introduced to someone named Jeremiah, it’s considered impolite to say “Did you used to be a bullfrog?” Whatever….

Cheech Marin pronounces chicken pot pie as “pot, chicken, pie” because he says it’s a better sequence.

I always put all my eggs in one basket because I like to live dangerously…..plus anything else would look ridiculous at the grocery store.

The football field behind our house at dusk - beautiful summer evening for a walk….

Ed Hardy should design actual douche bags…..

I’d like to salute General Tso and Colonel Sanders for their contributions to the chicken industry.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a thin person say “I’m just small boned.”

French toast is just like American toast but you have to use your tongue ;-)

Apparently you can get a cardboard car freshener decorated any way you want…except in the shape & colour of a handicapped placard.

A new disease is hitting the US, the Chinese Flu. The biggest symptom is that you wake up in the morning with the urge to manufacture a smart phone.

Yes, alcohol causes a number of deaths; but it also causes a number of births.

I want to get a white jumpsuit and a giant butterfly net and chase random people around yelling ìYou must return to the Institute!”

The main reason I would never buy a VW bug is that I would feel guilty knowing that whenever I drove by a vehicle with kids in it, someone was getting slugged.

If you’re OCD & you know it, wash your hands 28 times.

I’d like to give the guy that invented the Heimlich maneuver a pat on the back….

Eating healthy cereal is like going to a party sober.

Walking Pepper in the park, we overheard a young couple sitting on the bench by the splash pad as we walked by: Guy: “You know, swearing is not attractive.” Girl: “I’m not attractive anyways, so fuck off!”

Did you know that there is a name for the cheesy small bits at the bottom of a bag of SmartFood? They are called “happiness” ;-)

Spoiler alert: The blue pill in The Matrix was really just Viagra.

I can’t find the paper towels in this grocery store. I need a Bounty hunter.

I’m so sorry. It was your Sharona the whole time……

Maybe the Government is behind all the conspiracy theories going around…..

Barlow’s 8th Law of Facebook Stupidity: For any consumable substance, you will see more than 10 posts indicating that it is bad for you, and at least one post that claims it cures cancer.

No matter how bad of a mood you’re in, when you see someone driving down the road on an e-bike, you can’t help but giggle ;-)

I have now appended the auto-signature on my phone to: Sent from Samsung Mobile running Android (which is just Linux in drag)

People who squirt ketchup all over their fries instead of dipping them in it are not the kind of people you need in your life……

The answer is grilled cheese on sourdough rye bread with chipotle dip on the side. The question doesn’t matter….

So I’m in line at Starbucks to get my Rob Ford special and the naive idealists behind me talking about Gaza decide that they’d like to involve me in their rant. So I politely declined. The one lady then said “Aren’t you interested in world problems?”, to which I replied “Whenever I think of Gaza, I immediately think of all the smug bastards in coffee shops who have a simple solution to all of the world’s problems, and then I think…..gee….do I want to be part of that? No.” The rest of my waiting in line was very peaceful after that :-)

It seems appropriate that there are two i’s in “narcissism”

When nature calls, bed-wetters let it go straight to voicemail.

Grammar snobs have typo negative blood.

Went to the McDonald’s drive through with Pepper in the back seat and ordered 20 chicken nuggets for later. Then I pulled into the Esso next to it to get gas. While I was pumping the gas, the damn dog managed to get the bag open, get the box open, and eat 18 of the nuggets……all very quietly without me noticing. And when I got into the car, the “I’m sorry” look told me what happened…….

Futons are like couches that dropped out of college….

Urologists and Proctologists are the Number 1 and Number 2 Doctors in the world.

According to my co-worker’s diary, I have boundary issues.

Hello Monday. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my weekend. Prepare to die.

An island “is land” ;-)

Mystery: How has Antonio Banderas kept his hair wet for the past 20 years non-stop?

Now, don’t quote me on this…" - Anonymous

If you’re mad at your co-worker, just give them the silent treatment by sending them blank emails……

Junkyards would be so much cooler if you could grow junk food in them…….

Every time you see a guy driving an El Camino while drinking a Mountain Dew, an Angel gets its Mullet……

I used a new line today at work: “Thanks for coming, I really endured your visit.”

Man……when it comes to introducing a little bit of competition in our video game development classes, the students get right in on it. They’re already painting war lines on their faces with Cheetos dust…..

If people give you a hard time about not exercising, just tell them you are still working on your “before” picture.

Afro Man was going to make another record…but then he got high……

When I was a kid, before seeing Bob & Doug Mackenzie, I thought being a hoser meant that you drank from the garden hose (like we all did)…..

I have to teach my dog that, after chewing on your ass for a few minutes, it’s impolite to lick someone….

Donating old books is a good thing. This thesaurus isn’t just terrible. It’s also dreadful, and horrid.

Never piss off a mime. They’ll give you the loud treatment….

You know what the most badass middle name is? Effin.

I find it odd that “butt dial” and “booty call” are two totally different things….

My favourite episode of “Three’s Company” is that one where there’s a really big misunderstanding……;-)

I still wonder what happens to those fancy briefcases at big drug deals. Do they have to return it like Tupperware?

A lot of Japanese women have faked origami….

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese!

I have mixed drinks about feelings…..

Atheists always wake up at an ungodly hour…..

What do I do if I become addicted to cold turkey?

Damn rain - I prefer my lawn dead and un-mowable……

I bet Kevin Bacon feels a lot of pressure when the DJ plays “Footloose” at weddings……

I learned most of my World history from Billy Joel’s song “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.

I saw a picture of polar bears drinking Pepsi. It’s obviously a fake though. Everybody knows they drink Coke!

Just think, if that bored young boy in Australia had a brother, he might never have invented the boomerang.

Listening to radio while working is awesome. Some dude in Guelph fell into an upholstery machine. I bet he’ll be fully recovered any time now…..

Some people were born with a silver spoon in their mouths. I was born with a KFC spork in mine…..

Well, my Star Wars toaster (that burns Darth Vader onto your toast) died this morning. I guess you could say that it’s toast….

Normally I don’t pick up the phone for unknown numbers, but I did a few minutes ago and it happened to be a Liberal Party propaganda person who sounded incredibly tired. After they did their spiel, I told him my voting strategy: to vote for the least ugly person. My reasoning is simple - all candidates will likely do an equally crappy job, so why not at least have a good looking government? I’m not sure it was because he was tired, but after a short pause, he said enthusiastically “You know - that’s a pretty good strategy….”

I can’t believe Video never got arrested for killing the Radio Star….

Who says that guys don’t like stuffed animals? I do. There’s nothing like a nice golden brown turkey stuffed with breadcrumbs and cranberries…..

I always thought that the Hamburger Helper mascot was Michael Jackson’s other glove…..

I hate it when people ask me for entrepreneurial advice. If you want to start a company, that’s your own business……;-)

Maybe that container of margarine in your fridge doesn’t believe it’s you……

“Put your money where your mouth is” is terrible advice. It tastes awful.

Watch out for doormats. They are a gateway rug.

Don’t text and drive unless you’ve only had like 2-3 texts at the most.then you should be ok to drive.

Dear anyone reading this post sent way back at 7:02am - what’s the future like?

If you are found guilty of murder in Amish country, I wonder if they send you to the acoustic chair……

Sometimes I feel like I’ve reached a dead end when writing on a particular topic for a textbook. So what I do is just run a few ideas by my dog, and then I feel much better. She thinks I’m brilliant.

If you can’t afford a butterfly knife, just buy a caterpillar one and wait.

How many Flintstones vitamins do I have to take until I can start a car with my feet?

Dear Motel Owner: You might wanna go ahead & take that “Colour TV” sign down now.

Hands-down, the best part of a Reuben sandwich is the mustard. The other condiments relish the opportunity to ketchup but can’t cut the mustard.

Dry-erase boards are remarkable.

I still have nightmares about all those planes that crashed into my mouth when I was a kid…..

I wish the saying “It’s the thought that counts” was true when it came to exercising.

My best proofreading is done right after I hit psot.

Took Pepper for a walk in the park today and she started barking at this one lady who was walking by us: Lady: Your dog friendly? Me: Yes - she normally isn’t like this - she usually just barks at dogs. Me: Oh my god….I’m so sorry.

Man, If only I had a nickel for every time I used a dollar to buy something that cost 95 cents. Oh, wait - never mind.

The Hokey Pokey creator’s funeral was fine until he was placed into the coffin. They put his left leg in…and then the trouble started.

I think Poultry Spice would sell a lot more if they called it Dinosaur Spice…..

I feel like my phone should know me well enough by now that I mean “booty” not “booth”.

One of the top things that teenagers take away from high school chemistry class is that “alcohol IS a solution”

By movie logic, I’m not crazy until I cover my walls with newspaper clippings, old photographs, and maps.

Tip: If you ever get arrested, use your one phone call to make a bomb threat so they evacuate the jail…..

You can always tell which people are alcoholics at fancy dinner parties. They’re the ones that fake choking so that they can chug their wine…..

It just occurred to me that, not once have I seen a construction worker buying construction paper at Staples. Weird…..

Life is all about achieving perfect balance. That’s why eating a McDonalds ice cream cone after working out just feels good…..

This is something I heard this morning: “HEY - I don’t appreciate your lack of sarcasm.”

I am never more aware of my age than when I scroll down to my birth year on websites.

I’m sleepy but I gotta stay awake. I better start subtracting sheep in my head…

I always feel bad when I’m introduced to a vegetarian and say “It’s nice to meat you!”

You can’t drink ALL day……unless you start in the morning…..

Anyone have the guts to pour some crazy glue into a non-stick frying pan to see what happens?

Ever swerve to miss a tree when driving and then realize it was just your air freshener?

Comedians should practice their routines in front of a bunch of crickets to prepare them for the worst….

Do you need help putting things into perspective? Here you go: persp(things)ective

Had to spend the afternoon with a new instructor - in casual chit-chat, I mentioned that I have a Star Wars toaster that burns the image of Darth Vader into the toast. He said “Really? Why?” I thought it was obvious…..I prefer my toast a little on the dark side.

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs, Huggies, and Pampers, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it Depends on who ís in the will.

I tried bringing sexy back but I lost my receipt.

Business plan:

  1. Open a restaurant called “The Jungle”.
  2. Hire Axl Rose to welcome the customers.

I stole every word of this Facebook post from an online dictionary.

As part of casual chit-chat this morning, someone asked me how it was working at the UW School of Accounting (I was a programmer there back in the 90s). I immediately had a flash back of me pretending my staple remover was Pac-man for 6 hours…..good times.

It took 61 credits, but I finally beat DOH. You can now call me DOH boy……

Now that I’ve had my morning coffee, I’m totally going to give it my some.

Nature fact: When ducks take selfies, they make a drunk girl face.

Ever notice how the most awesome people ring you up at the self-checkout line?

I’m in the 8 items or less line at Zehrs, holding 10 items, sweating bullets.

There is nothing quite like the horror of watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich…..

Careful kids - candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to the hard stuff: rock candy

Trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa is the adult version of the game “Operation”.

That Chinese neck tattoo is the symbol for unemployment….

People who shop at Walmart are rude! I’ve gotten the door for countless people behind me over the years, and not one person has said Thankyou.

This music is so good, it Hz….

I’m trying to give up using sexual innuendos, but it’s hard…really hard….

Monotony is probably the best bored game.

Spinach makes Popeye stronger. I wonder if drinking Ginger Ale does the same thing to redheads?

If the commercials are accurate, hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.

I was going to bake a cake from scratch.but I’m all out of scratch.

A Canadian, an American and an Englishman walk into a bar. They are alcoholics.

If a soldier survives mustard gas and pepper spray, they have definitely earned the right to call themselves a seasoned veteran.

My spirit animal is either a sloth or a magical winged unicorn. Depends on the day.

House hunting? Better get a really big gun.

The quickest way to find the needle is to burn the haystack.

If I was a movie director, I’d bring a burrito in one day, hold it up and say “That’s a wrap, people.”

Remember: “How stupid can you be?” is a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

If the inside of your microwave looks like mine, you’re disgusting and I’m a hypocrite.

If pigs really could fly I bet we would think their wings taste delicious too.

I just realized that my age is very inappropriate for my behavior….

Tip: Schedule your appointments for 9:11 so you never forget.

In addition to inventing the telephone & Graham crackers, Alexander Graham Bell also opened the 1st Taco Bell.

Hip-Hop music videos should have more bunnies in them.

Mambo numbers 1 thru 4 must have really sucked.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

I wonder if Darwin predicted that butterflies would evolve into lower back tattoos?

Croutons are the best thing since dried bread.

I once went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

People with sausage phobia fear the wurst…..

Next time you play spin the bottle, invite a few ugly people. It’ll make it like Russian Roulette.

My three unwritten rules:

Condoms should really be used in all conceivable occasions….

People that don’t like what you are talking about are probably anti-semantics….

Cross-eyed teachers have trouble controlling their pupils.

Ladies, date a Pizza Chef. They make a LOT of dough…..

I have no beef with vegetarians….

Go ahead & push the envelope all you want. It’s still going to be stationery.

If you buy a treadmill, it’ll give you a run for your money.

Not to brag, but I came in 1st place out of 5 billion people in an Exaggeration Contest.

If I worked in a fast food restaurant, I’d mark every receipt with a FINAL SALE stamp….

I really like Bruce Willis as an actor - in fact, you could say I’m a die hard fan…..

Friday…you deplete me.

Saw a guy walking down King Street in Kitchener today wearing purple Crown Royal bags on each his hands as mitts. Keepin’ it classy…..

I bet you $5 I can stop gambling.

Somebody stole all of the toilets out of the new police station in Waterloo…..the cops have nothing to go on….

This extra spicy Shawarma comes with 2 sides: fries and regret…..

Seriously, ordering a salad from McDonalds? That’s like looking for someone to slow dance to Metallica with…..

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

I bet a lot of people don’t go to Claustrophobic’s Anonymous meetings because they’re worried about too many others showing up in the room.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. Heck, I can show you the way.

You are bananas if you think I can’t tell the difference between people and fruit.

Isn’t it “weird” that the rule is “i” before “e”?

I’m going to start being more spontaneous…tomorrow at about 1:45pm

I have a bad case of Placebo. Better get some pills…

Someone told me I was obsessed with Roman numerals. I was L I V I D……

If you told me I would be in this position 5 years ago, I would’ve destroyed you for being a robot from the future…..

I’m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?

My inability to poke the straw into this damned juice box is a clear indication that I would do horribly in a knife fight.

It must be stressful working for an Unemployment Office. What if you get fired? You’d still have to show up there the next day….

At those times when you think that all of humanity is totally nuts, just remember - we live on a planet that is bi-polar…..

Cereal killers are just normal people on a no carb diet….

Better watch out. I have a black belt…. I got it on sale at Target but I bet I could still use it to defend myself…..

I’m going to start adding coffee to my fruit smoothies. Oh, and take out the fruit.

Yesterday, a student asked me to define what NULL was, since it’s not equal to integer zero. Best explanation I could think of was “What happens when you combine pasta and antipasta…..” ;-)

I had a great post idea about a Nirvana album….oh, nevermind.

If anyone is considering building a Transformers model, make sure you apply Optimus Primer before painting it…..

Not to brag, but I can usually figure out who the bad guy is in the first 25 minutes of a Scooby Doo episode…

It’s weird how little triplets Drew Carey, Mariah Carey and Jim Carey look alike.

When I was a kid, they called it a boob tube. Now, they call it YouTube……

OK - someone from CGCC just challenged me to a competitive game of Galaga. I shall crush his ego to a dust so fine, its very existence will be the subject of conjecture among theoretical physicists…..;-)

Rather than clean the house, you can simply watch an episode of “Hoarders” on YouTube and you’ll think your place is perfectly clean…..

I just overheard the best line ever: “I want to be the kind of rich where I fill my gas tank all the way up & I don’t feel compelled to refill my soda before leaving Taco Bell.”

What a double standard… If a girl has sex with a lot of different men, she’s called a slut. But if a guy does it, he’s just called a homosexual.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have no imagination.

Aunt Jemima has had such a profound impact on the rap generation. For example, Tupac wears his bandana so gansta because Aunt Jemima did…..

I bet an only child invented the boomerang.

Some letters are cooler than others. For example, the letter Q looks like an O with a pimp cane.

It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. ;-)

I bet the guy that invented the mohawk was just trying to get his sideburns the same length on each side.

Thought of a good name for a dog just now: Bark Wahlberg

You know….if I were Rick Astley, I would just burst into places unexpectedly & start singing.

Speeding CAN be very dangerous, kids. I accidentally got to work 10 minutes early today.

Typos….that’s just how I role.

Someone should open a hat store where the employees yell at you called “ALL CAPS”.

Does anybody know what Roman numerals are good IV?

I’d make a joke about my co-worker’s font, but I’m just not bold enough…..

OK - so I managed to piss someone off on a Linux forum tonight. His name was John Jacobs, so I commented “let me guess - your last two names are Jingleheimer Schmidt?” At least I thought it was funny…..

2014 is going to be a great year! I resolve to: 1) Figure out what last year’s New Year resolutions were. 2) Start doing them. 3) If 1) fails, or 2) seems too hard, I will take 2014 to focus on creating some resolutions for 2015.

Listening in on people’s conversations can be a lot of fun. For example, the ditsy blonde in the next booth at Taco Bell: “The valet here isn’t very good at his job. I’ve been waiting over an hour for him to bring my car back.”

Textipation (n). A common condition in which you can’t poo without your smartphone.

I’m just waiting to see if my coffee is using its powers for good or evil today…..

Whenever we’re in public and my dog winks at me, I wink back just to make people think we have a secret code…..

I was in a band called FAT32, but we never did more than 4 gigs…..

If I don’t clean my car soon, someone is going to bring blindfolded people into it for a Febreeze commercial…..

Saving the galaxy one quarter at a time ;-) #Galaga

Bad punny joke of the day: Two satellite antennas fell in love and got married. The wedding was pretty weird, but the reception was fantastic!

I like my coffee to prepared like a Death Star: large, on the Dark Side, and powerful enough to destroy a planet.

There are three things that happen as you get older. The first one is that you start forgetting about things. I’ll be damned if I can remember the other two though…..

I wonder what British people say when there’s actually blood on something…..

I just have to see the movie Ender’s Game. After all, it’s basically about this kid who plays Galaga…..

I’m going to start writing “wake up” on my TO-DO Lists so I’ll have a sense of accomplishment 1st thing in the afternoon.

My old car kept pulling to the right. Not sure if the alignment was off or if it just was a Progressive Conservative…

I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.

Pixels are for squares…..

When I rule the world, I’ll be sure to remember all the little people I stepped on to get there. -Brain (from Pinky and the Brain)

Here is a good drink for those who are health-conscious:

  1. Get some fresh decaf espresso
  2. Brew it in a bodum for about 5 minutes
  3. Add a small amount of unsweetened low-fat Almond milk (instead of cream)
  4. Stir in a small amount of Stevia (sweeten to the desired amount)
  5. Take a sip
  6. Dump that crap out, go to Starbucks and buy a Pumpkin Spice Latte with extra whipped cream.

The best way to have a salad is to order a pizza instead.

It just occurred to me that people with mouth piercings might actually be robots with herpes…..

What’s all this political kerfuffle? Not that I keep up with politics anyways. I’m sure the Queen of Canada will handle it - is it still Jean Cretchien the third or something?

OK, so you want me to talk at your next ____ event in Toronto? Let me see what my calendar looks like & get back to you. OK, it’s a rectangle with a bunch of numbers on it & pictures of sailboats.

Lil Wayne should get a dachshund & call him Lil Wayner.

What’s the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? Did you ever notice he starts his jokes just like the beginning of this post?

Even if you don’t win a trophy at the S&M Awards, it’s still an honor just to be dominated….

This is why it’s probably a good thing I’m not teaching programming anymore. Where most instructors spend their time talking about good code, I usually spend most of my time teaching cheeky code. For example: stop(); //Hammertime

To this day, it still upsets me that all those times when Forrest Gump was separated from his true love, he never ONCE dialed 867-5309…..

“Dr. Who” is an English show, and it’s always disturbed me that it wasn’t called “Dr. Whom” to be grammatically correct.

Everything I know about ghosts I learned from Bill Murray.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

From Jeff Smith: A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.” The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.” “Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.” The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!” The social worker said, “Well ….yeah, …. but you started it.”

Disturbing fact: 3 out of 4 Canadians make up 75% of the entire population…..

It’s almost 10pm and there are still indecisive idiots in front of me at the drive through preventing me from getting my coffee. They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

It seems the only reason I learned cursive for months as a child was to occasionally sign my name as an adult

After doubling the long walks/runs with the dog and eating lots of protein, I’m finally starting to get better after spraining my sacro-iliac joint (which sends pain down your one leg). I guess I have to come to grips with the fact that I’m just getting to old to play Wii football…..

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me…then plug me back in again and see if that works…..

Let’s invent a new game called “Shatner” - whenever someone yells “Shatner”, they have to overact whatever they are currently doing……

Parents typically have photos of their kids on their desk at work. Everyone else should have photos with stacks of cash or photos of themselves getting plenty of sleep….

Make a kid a pop tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a pop tart and you get to sleep in all summer…..

The royal baby is about 8 pounds. That’s roughly $12 CDN

From Doug Weatherby: The Big Bang Starts the Universe Out in the Most Metal Way Possible ~14 billion years ago Once upon a time, our universe was condensed into a point smaller than a single atom, which sounds super cute but actually was quite volatile. It suddenly burst, giving birth to both time and space. After just 100 seconds, it was trillions of miles across. Innumerable elementary subatomic particles were crashing into one another, with antimatter destroying matter. Hydrogen gas formed, and collapsed by gravity into itself until pressure grew so immense that those hydrogen atoms fused into helium. So stars were born, fusing atoms into ever more complex elements until the stars began creating iron, at which point they collapsed into themselves and exploded into supernovas ñ unimaginably powerful detonations that in an instant formed all of the other elements that make up our world. So every atom in your body was born in a star. You are, technically, a star. Except you, Miley Cyrus.

You know you’re getting older when you realize you just don’t care which way the toilette paper roll goes on the dispenser….

You know that the Internet in a neighborhood is bad when there is still a Blockbuster open….

Wouldn’t it be creepy to open someone’s glovebox and find it full of gloves?

In the wake of all the bad press, the NSA is releasing a free video game to smooth things over. It’s called Polybius

My hard drive crashed and the NSA won’t give me the backup they have of it :-(

I’d rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense Morgan Freeman, but my life requires lots of profanity…..

You know what’s scary? Waking up one day and realizing that your high school class is running the country…..

I love mining for data on Twitter because you get the craziest stuff. I actually saw this today from someone in the southern US: “You dont want those problems shoot yo ass up like #galaga”

If you could vote in anyone right now for Toronto mayor, who would it be? I’d vote for Mike Myers. I guess you could call that a schwing vote…..

Don’t suffer the same mistake I made……never feed Limberger cheese to a dog…..OMFG.

There should be a superhero who gets his powers after eating radioactive chili - he could be called Gastroman…

Reminds me of when someone at the college pronounced the C# programming language as “C pound”

Trying to get our IT dept to buy a fog machine for the data centre. That way, when people enter, you can say “Welcome to the cloud.”

I was called “lazy” today. I almost responded….

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” after my name…..

Make sure you always bring a small squirt bottle to a movie theatre - that way, if the people in front of your won’t shut up, you can have fun pretending to sneeze ;-)

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what’s known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. It’s not aging, it’s the door! Thank goodness for studies like this. Actually, that’s all bullshit. You probably have Alzheimer’s.

It’s important to make little things count. Teach midgets math.

When Oedipus reached Thebes, he encountered a Sphinx. “If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?”, the Sphinx asked. Oedipus pondered for a moment. “Probably one of those new Pokemon” he finally replied. “There’s like 600 of them, and I’d be surprised if one of them doesn’t change its number of legs whilst evolving.” “Fair enough,” spoke the Sphinx. “I can’t reasonably expect you to remember all of their names. You may pass.”

I think it’s disgusting how Lance Armstrong was treated. While he was on drugs, he won 7 Tour de France titles. Last time I was on NyQuil, I couldn’t even find my bike…..

If Tetris has taught me anything, it is that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself……

I always like going to the southern U.S. because it makes me feel skinny…..

If you could choose between world peace and Bill Gates’ money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

Sorry, your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin. Damn password complexities nowadays…..

This is what turns Web developers on - Fifty Shades of Grey: #000000, #030303, #050505, #080808, #0A0A0A, #0D0D0D, #0F0F0F, #121212, #141414, #171717, #1A1A1A, #1C1C1C, #1F1F1F, #212121, #242424, #262626, #292929, #2B2B2B, #2E2E2E, #303030, #333333, #363636, #383838, #3B3B3B, #3D3D3D, #404040, #424242, #454545, #474747, #4A4A4A, #4D4D4D, #4F4F4F, #525252, #555555, #575757, #595959, #5C5C5C, #5E5E5E, #616161, #636363, #666666, #696969, #696969, #6B6B6B, #6E6E6E, #707070, #737373, #757575, #787878, #7A7A7A, #7D7D7D, #808080

Family Day: A Canadian stat holiday where everything is closed, so families stay at home and stare at each other in extreme boredom.

There is a new iOS/Android app that tells you how smart your dog is. This is how it works - if you bought the app, your dog is smarter than you. Pure genius.

Video game violence is not a new problem. Who can forget, back in the wake of SimCity, how children everywhere took up urban planning….

I had a severe Galaga addiction in the 80’s, so I really don’t want to hear about your lame cocaine problem…..

tomorrow (noun) - A mythical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.

Barney from How I Met Your Mother: It’s 2012. What do you expect? To meet some cute travel agent when you’re reading a newspaper in a bookstore? None of those things exist anymore.

Pie costs $3.14 at Target. Well played…..

Courtesy Jeff Smith: Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. “What’s the matter?” Bob asked. “I’ve been transferred to Detroit , there are crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.” Jack replied, “Nonsense! I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enrol your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.” The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?” “I’m the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

Joe Biden wants to meet with video game developers about gun control. This is like meeting with Hot Wheels about car safety…..

I love the crazy notes that ThinkGeek.com puts on your invoice when they ship you stuff. Today, when I opened my ThinkGeek package, the invoice read: Many Bothans died to bring you this package.

Scott: I have this great idea, but you may think it sounds stupid. Me: Nonsense - all great ideas border on the stupid. Scott: Me: No - you were right - that is just plain stupid.

Scientists claim that 3D movies have existed for thousands of years. They call it “theatre”

I have a Level 85 dwarven paladin, an 82 shadow priest, and I’m currently leveling a warrior through Northrend, although I spend most of my time tanking instances in the Dungeon Finder. I’ve held off on getting Mists of Pandaria because I got burned out on endgame progression after Wrath of the Lich King and the Cataclysm content is still new to me. Plus monks seem redundant in an era of dual specialization and viable hybrid DPS, and while I know they’re well-established in the lore, Pandaren don’t appeal to me. So I’m wrapping up a Taunka questline in the Borean Tundra, trying to determine if I should go to Dragonblight or Grizzly Hills…….and now you know how I feel when you won’t shut up about sports!

20% of Internet quotes are made up. -Abraham Lincoln

Misuse of “literally” makes me figuratively insane.

The Walking Dead would be much more enjoyable if they just went to the Winchester to wait for all of the zombie stuff to blow over…..

An apple a day keeps anyone away……if you throw it hard enough…..

My favourite part in The Lion King is when Nicki Minaj holds up Simba…..

I love those name tags that they give you at conferences where you have to fill in your own name. I like to fill in funny names, like Erm Agerd…..

I hate it when you seriously compliment someone on their movember moustache, and suddenly, she’s not your friend anymore……

How much does a hipster weigh? One instagram….

Funny statement: Don’t go bacon my heart. Awesome comeback: I couldn’t if I fried….

I’ve never understood soccer. If you want to watch people struggle to score for 90 minutes, just take my friends out to a bar.

I always enjoy asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. Mainly because I’m still looking for ideas.

I never trust joggers. I mean, they are always the ones that find the dead bodies. Just sayin’……

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “You’re all idiots” and pours two beers…..

Hurricane Sandy: Nature’s way of taking out Jersey Shore……

The optimist: The glass is half full. The pessimist: The glass is half empty. The gamer: I wonder what will happen if I drink it?

If I worked doing in a morgue, and had to do an autopsy to determine the cause of death for someone, I would totally write down “He laid down the boogie, and played that funky music till he died.”

Noooo! Taco Bell on Eagle St in Cambridge closed down. I should open a Taco joint in Cambridge called “Taco Libre” - staff uniform: Mexican wrestler.

Today is the mark of a new age; A new beginning. An era of suffering has come to a close. No more accidents, no more going back. Today, I disabled auto-correct.

The only difference between science and screwing around is whether you write it down…..

Reintarnation: When you come back as a hillbilly.

What’s the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes? My pizza jokes can’t be topped…..

So, I’ve started a gang. And our symbol is a crudely drawn penis. And I don’t mean to brag, but we’ve tagged every damn public bathroom, park bench grade school and high school writing desk from here to New York City. Your move, Bloods and/or Crips……

A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar. Or maybe a hospital….or possibly a church….

Here is a good game to play when you go out to dinner with friends: 1) Place your phones at the center of the table face down 2) The first person to reach for their phone pays for everyone’s bill 3) If no one reaches for their phone during dinner, everyone pays for their own bill only 4) The game is finished when the bill arrives

Apparently, Empire Theatres was robbed last night of $254. The thief took a bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a large drink.

If you drop your iPhone 5 into water and it stops working, simply put it in a bag of rice for three days. After three days, you’ll have a broken iPhone that smells like rice.

Happy “Talk like a pirate day”! Aye, me thinks me be hornswaggling some booty from some torrents….

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his Starbucks before it was cool…..

I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really fast……

I don’t often test my code……..but when I do, I do it in production ;-)

From the Microsoft guy during his presentation at the Win8 Hackathon: Fart apps are OK, but we want them fast, fluid, and full of motion……

If you were on a deserted island and could only listen to one Nickelback album for the rest of your life, how would you kill yourself?

Just saw a retro computing ad from the 1970s that had a funny tagline: Ask a BASIC question, get a BASIC answer.

Facebook bears great resemblance to ancient Egyptian civilization. Firstly, there is a ton of writing on walls. Secondly, there is a great deal of cat worshipping.

Used to have a band called 1023MB. But we never got a gig.

Somewhat disappointed to see that Starcraft II is not an official Olympic sport this year.

Tripped and hit my head on Mac’s drum……I think I have a percussion.

I hate it when people tell me I drink too much coffee. I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine.

I can’t take this long-distance relationship any more. Fridge, you are coming to my room.

In case your kids wonder why you swear while driving, just tell them that “if you don’t swear, you aren’t paying attention to the road at all.”

A Haiku for getting up for work: No no no no no No no no no no no no No no no no no.

His girlfriend’s last name is Jpeg……

To do: Monday: shufflin’ Tuesday: shufflin’ Wednesday: shufflin’ Thursday: shufflin’ Friday: shufflin’ Saturday: shufflin’ Sunday: shufflin’

Fake Karate is better than no Karate at all…….

This is hilarious. I actually remember graffiti on the bridge on Franklin (near Cedar) in Cambridge that read “Your not a machine” - someone actually went and corrected the graffiti to “You’re not a machine”……..only in Canada……

Cybersearchophobia: The sudden and uneasy feeling that you are being Googled by someone, somewhere.

There is no life without water. Because water is needed to make coffee.

I hope I remember all of the dance moves to “Thriller” if I ever become a zombie…..

You know what Forrest Gump’s password is for Facebook? 1forrest1

Apple actually uses small teams of 3 people to produce new iPhone features and bring them to market quickly: -A designer to make it pretty -A developer to make it functional -And a lawyer to sue Android

At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled “Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death……

THIS IS NOT PHOTOSHOPPED……yes, that guy in the back of Starbucks is actually reading a book….

In Russia, they don’t measure their downloads in GBs……they measure them in KGBs…

The English football team visited an orphanage in Poland earlier today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Igor, aged 6.

  • McDonalds cashier: Can I help you?
  • Me: Can I get a Pentium sandwich to go?
  • McDonalds cashier: I’m sorry. A Pentium sandwich?
  • Me: A McBistro Crispy Chicken BLT please.
  • McDonalds cashier: Is that all?
  • Me: Yes.
  • McDonalds cashier: That will be $5.86
  • Me: See?
  • McDonalds cashier: Oh my god….

Paleogamers enjoy video games that predate Civilization. Since Civilization was first released in 1991, if you like video games from the 80s like Pac-man, you must be a paleogamer.

All my vices are devices…..

If you would like to learn more about people with paranoia, try following them around.

Some butter-makers just want to see the world churn.

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

Theory is when you know everything but nothing works. Practice is when everything works but no one knows why. Most IT environments combine theory and practice - nothing works and no one knows why…..

16 years ago there was no Facebook, there was no Google and a tweet was something Barbara Walters gave her dog - Jimmy Kimmel

Whenever a bird craps on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch just to show them what I’m capable of….

If life gives you melons…….you may be dyslexic…..

I was in a bar last night… had a few… and I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?” One of them chirped, “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!” So, I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?” That’s the last thing I remember.

When I die, I want the Tetris theme to be played as my coffin is being lowered into the grave…….

Life (n). A sexually-transmitted disease which always ends in death. There is currently no known cure.

An HTML is the geekiest sandwich - Ham, Tomato, Mayo & Lettuce. It’s sort of like a BLT……

LOL = Laughing Out Loud BRB = Be Right Back DBD = Death Before Decaf

Free shrugs. Meh.

I consider it a successful LAN party if everyone’s out of ammo, someone’s naked, and the cases of Red Bull are gone….

Today I broke my record for most consecutive days lived.

Edward Scissorhands = Emo Wolverine

Now here is a TO DO list:

  1. Run into a store, and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell “It worked!” and run out cheering.
  2. Put vanilla pudding into a Mayo jar and eat it in public.
  3. Hire two private investigators to follow each other.
  4. Walk to pizza store and order a pizza with delivery. Get a free ride back to your house with the pizza.
  5. Walk into a crowded elevator and say, “I bet you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today….”
  6. Buy a parrot and teach it to say, “Help, I’ve been turned into a parrot!”
  7. Purposefully add some common word misspellings to your co-workers custom dictionary in Microsoft Word.

Due to the limited tickets for tonight’s midnight showing of The Hunger Games, guests will be chosen at random to fight it out to the death in the lobby. -Theater Staff

Student + dying = Studying

This post happily existed in all possible states before you observed it. Now it has collapsed into a single state. I hope you’re satisfied…..

Computer games don’t affect youth - for example, if Pac Man affected youth, they’d be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive music…..

Let’s have a moment of silence for those stuck in traffic on the way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles…..

I’ve got a horribly busy weekend planned…….converting oxygen to carbon dioxide…..

I want to go to Jamaica with a bunch of friends with our laptops. That way, we can download a few movies and call ourselves “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

When I was a kid, people told me I should always “think before I speak” - nowadays I tell people to “Google before they Tweet”…..

In science, we learn many things. For example, the world is comprised of electron, protons, neutrons, and morons….

It’s pretty bad when you daughter comes to the rec room to ask you to stop playing video games because its a school night and she has to get some sleep….

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people…

Q. What kind of concert costs 45 cents? A. 50 cent feat. Nickleback.

Did you know if you say “Raise up lights” you just said “razor blades” in an Australian accent?

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they split us up by music genre…..

Hasta la vista baby…..

Yes, I am the master of my own domain…..name….

Why should you be afraid of mimes you ask? They perform a large number of unspeakable acts…..

My favourite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation……

Dear Dracula, Remember that night years ago? Well, you have a son. His name is Edward. Sincerely, Tinkerbell

The phrase “I would like to thank Wikipedia and Google for getting me here” should be part of every Valedictorian speech…..

Here is a great trick - take Mentos and freeze them into ice cubes. Then pour someone a drink of Diet Coke and put in the ice cubes. After 5 minutes, their drink will randomly explode!

Although it is simply beautiful outside, I hate taking Pepper for a walk around the neighbourhood - she has to stop at every light standard and sign pole to check her p-mail.

Did you know that Uranus is a gas giant?

He’s not a player, he’s a gamer (players get chicks, gamers get achievements)…

When they finally discover the Higgs boson, I want to get my picture taken next to it……

Whenever I read a book, I first turn to page 404 just be sure it is there. I’m sure I’m not the only one….

To do is to be (Nietzsche) To be is to do (Kant) Do be do be do (Scooby)

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that today in my fort.

The difference between a rocker and a jazz musician: A rocker plays 3 chords in front of 3000 people, whereas a jazz musician plays 3000 chords in front of 3 people.

That awkward moment when you expect 2012 and all you get is 2011S….

Bastard at Starbucks cut me off after 6 coffees - “I’m sorry Sir, but I’m afraid you’re too awake to drive.”

My New Years resolution is 1440x900

If Chuck Norris got hit by a Nokia 3310, what would happen?

Facebook is like a fridge - you know there is nothing new in it, but you still check it out every 10 minutes……

I love my sixpack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat…..

If hostile aliens land on Earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them Lady Gaga.

I dig, you dig, she dig, he dig, we dig. It’s not a very good poem, but at least it’s deep…..

Looked through wireless preferences a few seconds ago and noticed that someone in my neighbourhood has a wireless router called “PrettyFlyForaWiFi”

If I ever have another kid, I’m naming it Sparta. That way, I can introduce them with “This is Spartaaaa!”

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I’m telling you why; you’re 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little turd.

Must be read with a Russian accent: “In Soviet Russia, President votes for you!”

The first supercomputer to use flash-based storage (which is ultra fast) - ironically, they named it Gordon (as in Flash Gordon ;-)

Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying “I’m pregnant”

I’ll Have A Cafe-Mocha-Vodka-Valium Latte To Go. Please.

Hard disk storage tip #5: A good girlfriend can save over 200GB of space on your hard drives.

Some people get confused if a sentence doesn’t end as they potato.

Saw a great t-shirt tonight - it said “C++ programmers do it with class”

Vegan zombies thirst for grains!

Zombies are just people who had decaf by accident….

So…..if you believe in reincarnation…..when you die, instead of RIP on your gravestone, it should read BRB, right?

When I did a “ps aux” on my Mac, I noticed that the /bin/laden process was a zombie process……

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have an Internet connection…..

Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m out-going, and my best friends know that I’m completely insane……

Phone call from non-technical friend: Friend: You’ve got to help me. My hard drive crashed and I think I’ve lost all my data. Me: Did you back up? Friend: OMG!!! Is that sucker going to blow?

In Korea, if you want to marry a girl, you have to beat her father in Starcraft….

That weird moment when you are at McDonalds and you see an emo kid order a Happy Meal……

Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy…..

I’ve learned an important life lesson today: never, ever, fart in a sauna.

Sharks aren’t so bad……if a stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I’d probably attack him too…..

Childhood is like being drunk - everyone remembers what you did, except you…..

Existentialists do it pointlessly.

I have two addresses memorized: my own address, and P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

Officer: How high are you? Bum: No Officer, it’s “Hi, how are you?”

OK fellow coders - who gets this joke?: [“hip”, “hip”]

Man, I love flame wars on Facebook - it’s like “Don’t MAKE me go all CAPS LOCK on yo ass….”

Ha Ha! I was reading a Globe and Mail article and just realized that the journalist spelled ‘racecar’ backwards!

This would have been a priceless post for Halloween: “How’s everyone holding up out there? I’ve already killed 15 zombies. Why are they all carrying candy?”

Am I the only one who misses all the anti-Bush merchandise?

Will someone please invent a skin patch that glows when your blood-caffeine level gets too low?

Doesn’t Gaddafi look like an older Will Ferrell with sunglasses?

If you watch Godzilla backwards, it’s about a giant lizard who helps rebuilds a half burnt down city then moonwalks back into the ocean….

What kind of doctor can fix a Web site? A URLologist…

Let’s occupy Farmville……

Like thousands of others, I suffer from Googleheimer’s Disease. It is a horrible condition - you think of something you want to Google, but by the time you get to your computer, you have forgotten what it was.

Saddam dead, Bin Laden dead, Gaddafi dead. Now we only need to find the other 4 of George Bush’s Horcruxes…..

“Stressed” spelled backwards is “Desserts”………hmmmmm………

Mario - I spent the majority of my childhood trying to save your girlfriend. You owe me!

Just saw a Smart car pulled over by the OPP on the 401 - is that even possible?

Since it is no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any one racial or ethnic minority, you might want to consider this one. An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an African, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Christian, and an atheist all went together to a night club one evening. The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

I think my iPod broke……….no…..wait…….it’s just the intro to a Pink Floyd song……

You mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. Back then, NASA used it to launch a man to the moon. Today, we use our phones to launch a bird into pigs…..

Ahhhhh……my job involves too much thinking! I think I just had a stack overflow…..

printf(“Rest in peace, Dennis\n”); exit(0);

Dear Blackberry, it’s nice you’re back, but can I ever fully trust you again? Also, while you were gone I touched a Samsung Galaxy in a bar.

Dear RIM, I think it’s nice that you’re honouring Steve Jobs’ death with a 3 day silence….

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Kids should respect their parents - after all, they had to finish high school without Google or Wikipedia.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes……

Dear students, I know when you’re texting in class. Seriously. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.

OK - listen up - this is coming from a long-time Apple computer fan (since the 1980s), and I know it’s customary to gush over every public figure that dies on Facebook……but please……I’m sick of hearing about Steve Jobs.

I know I’m getting old when my friends start having kids on purpose…..

I just love conversing with people from the south - they pronounce the word “ice” as “ass” - e.g. “I’d like some more ass in my soda please…..”

The WWITPRO talk on Windows Phone 7 app development and enterprise integration went very well tonight (I had to rush the last part due to time constraints though). I loved Paul’s comment: “So you can actually cripple the phone from the Exchange server if you want to?” ……well yeah, us email administrators are mean bastards underneath it all…..

Good social tip: after realizing you are walking in the wrong direction, check your phone before walking the other way.

How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Some good points in this article that illustrate the (somewhat natural) move to a consumer-focus in how we interact with smartphone technologies today - companies are also adopting the consumer focus and social networking features in their own corporate smartphones to drive productivity. This is what Apple iOS, Google Android, and Windows Phone 7 have excelled at and what RIM lacks from a “let’s stand back and look at our strategy” perspective.

Some lady followed us home yesterday after seeing my UNIXGURU license plate - she wanted to know if I knew anyone who could do HTML5/LAMP development. Cool, but sort of creepy at the same time.

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker:

    1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
    1. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
    1. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
    1. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
    1. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
    1. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”
    1. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
    1. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons
    1. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”
    1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”

Ahhhhhh! The BlackBerry education workshop I prepared a paper for at Dev Con Americas in San Francisco has just been canceled (due to unforeseen circumstances). At least it will be published in the ACM journal…..

I see dead pixels.

I think now that Google has bought Microsoft, they’re definitely going to buy RIM…I propose they call the corporation “Googles Research in Motion” aka G.R.I.M.

G=Guns, PG=Plenty of Guns, PG-13=More than 12 guns…

I’d like to switch to Google+, but 95% of everyone I know is still on Facebook……it’s like going to some obscure coffee shop where one of your friends hangs out compared to Starbucks, where the rest of your friends hang out.

Just finished my Playbook app “Reverse Zombify” after almost an entire night of polishing. It still isn’t perfect, but there is a point where you have to say “it’s good enough” and just finish it. Anyone with a Playbook who wants to sideload it and try it out, let me know.

I honestly can’t believe how lame this is, but it is true - I threw my back out tonight playing Angry Birds.

Just putting the finishing touches this week on my Playbook app for the BlackBerry Partner’s Fund Challenge - it’s called “Reverse Zombify” - you actually have to turn people into zombies in strategic ways to earn points. And if you get all of the Village People, you earn 1000 bonus points. If you get all the members of the A Team, you get 5000 bonus points.

Saw a great t-shirt yesterday in a store on Charles St in Kitchener - it read “Nothing is Bitchener than Kitchener” and had a picture of Lord Kitchener on it.

Creating course materials is such a boring job - it is basically transporting large amounts of caffeine from the coffee maker to the toilette. At least I’m good at it.

While standing in line at Tim Hortons, I really don’t think it is offensive to let the person in front of you know that they typed “confidential” wrong on their BlackBerry. Apparently, others disagree.

Another social networking event tonight……ahhhhh! I’m really starting to hate smiling and making polite chit-chat…..it just isn’t me.

Starting to come down off of the Red Bull high from the last 2 days. I don’t remember how many I drank, but it was a lot. I don’t think I could have stayed awake during The Great Canadian Appathon without it though….

My new years resolution is to have more patience for people who call flash/disk storage “memory”

You can have a lot of fun today because the malls are so crowded - just go to the mall, but not to shop.

I just realized something - that new BlackBerry Playbook RIM is coming out with basically runs the same OS that those old ICON computers did back in high school (QNX) - I have good memories of getting banned from the ICON lab at GCI for breaking into the LexICON file server…….about 4 times I think…..

I am giving two presentations at this year’s Microsoft Virtual Summit…….and I’ve spent all day trying to come up with content for it…….ended up with nothing……I think my brain had a “blue screen of death”

I have now officially found my Starbucks limit - 7 Venti Bolds per day. It was really freakin’ hard to type this.

A girlfriend is no substitute for video games….

I just perfected the art of snowblowing. Only took 7 years.

I realized today that the reason why I order out when I have friends over (like tonight and the last dozen times) is because I don’t cook (out of common courtesy for others).